WHEN YOU SAY “I DO” — PART 2 (FINAL)

Text: 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 (Series Text: 1 Corinthians 7:1–9)

BIG IDEA

Marriage is not a contract where we keep score—marriage is a covenant where we keep showing up. Covenant love serves, stays close, communicates well, and protects unity.

PURPOSE

To call married couples to mutual love and faithfulness, and to give everyone (single, widowed, divorced, remarried, engaged) a biblical vision of covenant love that reflects God’s heart.

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PART 1 QUICK RECAP (1 Corinthians 7:1–9)

• God created us relational, and healthy relationships require unity.

• Marriage is good, and singleness is also good. Don’t believe the myths:

 1) “Marriage will make me happy.” (It magnifies what’s already in you.)

 2) “Marriage will solve my problems.” (Problems compound without growth.)

 3) “Marriage will make me a better person.” (Growth must start before “I do.”)

• Wisdom for those preparing for marriage:

 – Am I marrying a believer?

 – Are the circumstances right?

 – Will this help my service to Christ?

 – Am I ready for a lifetime covenant?

• Framework: When you say “I do,” you’re saying “yes” to God’s design:

 I. Marriage is Spiritual

 II. Marriage is Sexual

 III. Marriage is Covenant (not contractual)

Paul gets practical in 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 about covenant love lived out through mutual giving, mutual belonging, and wise boundaries that protect unity.

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CONTEXT (WHY PAUL ADDRESSES THIS)

• Corinth was messy—confusion about spirituality vs. marriage life.

• Paul corrects extremes: withholding on one side, selfishness on the other.

• The point isn’t “taking,” it’s serving—love expressed in real-life devotion.

• Paul isn’t handing husbands a weapon or wives a burden—he’s calling both spouses to mutual, humble care.

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THREE TRUTHS FROM THE TEXT (1 COR. 7:3–5)

1) V.3 — THERE IS A DEBT (A LOVING RESPONSIBILITY)

Key emphasis: This is mutual (“the husband… likewise the wife”).

• Ongoing: not a one-time box to check.

• Servant-hearted: meeting needs, not making demands.

• Love isn’t proven by what I can get—it’s proven by what I’m willing to give.

(Note for understanding the verse)

“Render” carries the idea of continual responsibility. God is teaching that in marriage, spouses should not neglect the physical needs of one another. This is a command toward mutual care—never entitlement.

2) V.4 — THERE IS A DEVOTION (MUTUAL BELONGING)

Key emphasis: “You are not your own” is not control; it is commitment.

• Covenant language: “My life is tied to your good.”

• Honor and safety matter: devotion never becomes pressure, manipulation, or entitlement.

• The goal is mutual care, not one spouse using Scripture as leverage.

Pastoral clarity:

There will be times when intimacy is not practical or one spouse is not ready. That must be respected. But prolonged distance without agreement and care creates danger and vulnerability.

3) V.5 — THERE IS A DEMAND (A PROTECTIVE BOUNDARY)

Key emphasis: “Do not deprive/defraud” = do not withhold in a way that harms.

• Prolonged distance can create vulnerability: resentment, isolation, drifting.

• The remedy isn’t shame; it’s agreement, prayer, and reconnection.

IMPORTANT SAFETY NOTE

This passage assumes a marriage marked by love and safety.

If a spouse is dealing with coercion, abuse, intimidation, or fear, the church responds with protection and help—not pressure.

WHEN WITHHOLDING CAN BE SINFUL

Withholding can be sinful when it is used as:

• Punishment / manipulation (“You don’t deserve me”)

• Control (using intimacy to get leverage)

• Neglect (refusing closeness without care, conversation, or effort)

• Unilateral deprivation (one person decides; no agreement; no loving plan)

WHEN PAUSING MAY BE WISE (LOVE CAN MOTIVATE A PAUSE)

• Illness, recovery, exhaustion, postpartum healing

• Emotional strain that needs repair first

• Trauma triggers

• Safety concerns

• A mutually agreed season for prayer/counseling

Heart-check question:

“Why am I withholding?”

• If the reason is love, health, healing, wisdom, or safety—likely not sin.

• If the reason is revenge, pride, bitterness, control, or laziness—repentance and repair are needed.

The key difference:

Love-based pausing comes with communication + kindness + a plan.

Sinful withholding usually looks like silence + contempt + control.

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SERIES FRAMEWORK (REMINDER)

I. Marriage is Spiritual

II. Marriage is Sexual

III. Marriage is Special

Paul highlights two “maintenance areas” often neglected:

1) V.3 — THERE MUST BE CLOSENESS

Little things matter: holding hands, affection, time alone, kindness.

Closeness isn’t an accident—it’s something you schedule and protect.

Simple Closeness Plan:

• Daily: 10 minutes of undistracted connection (no phones)

• Weekly: one intentional “us” moment (walk, dessert, coffee, date night)

• Monthly: a shared activity that refills joy

• In conflict: reconnect with gentleness before you try to “win”

2) V.5 — THERE MUST BE COMMUNICATION

One of the biggest problems in marriages is not the absence of love—

it’s the absence of healthy communication.

Communication is a two-way street: speaking AND hearing.

It’s not just getting your point across—it’s helping your spouse feel seen, heard, valued, and safe.

Four Biblical Tips for Communication:

A) Be quick to listen, slow to speak

• Don’t monopolize the conversation.

• Listen without judging. Don’t interrupt or prepare your rebuttal while they speak.

• Respect their opinion—even when you disagree.

• Pause until they finish.

• Apologize sincerely when you’re wrong:

 “I’m sorry for what I did. I was wrong. Please forgive me.”

Key line: Listening is love with its sleeves rolled up.

B) Speak the truth in love

• Truth without love becomes harsh.

• Love without truth becomes hollow.

• Start with gratitude: “Thank you for telling me.”

• Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean.

• Speak to heal, not to hurt. Build, not break.

C) Let no corrupt communication proceed… but what builds up

• Corrupt communication includes sarcasm, insults, belittling, public embarrassment,

 and “jokes” that wound.

• Make time to talk regularly—short, consistent check-ins matter.

• Your spouse should feel safer after you speak—not smaller.

D) Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath

• Don’t carry anger into tomorrow.

• Not every issue must be fully solved the same night, but repair must be pursued.

• If you need to cool off, schedule the repair:

 “I’m too heated right now, but I love you, and we’re going to talk about this.”

• Unresolved anger becomes resentment; resentment becomes distance.

Key line: Anger that isn’t repaired becomes a crack the enemy loves to widen.

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CONTRACT VS. COVENANT (KEY TEACHING)

Many marriage problems grow because people treat marriage like a contract instead of a covenant.

CONTRACT THINKING

• Temporary: if it stops meeting my expectations, I renegotiate or walk away.

• Transactional: “If you do this, I’ll do that.”

• If/then mentality: willing to give only if I can get.

• Motivated by self-interest: keeping score, measuring performance.

• Sometimes unspoken: “You should know what I expect.”

COVENANT THINKING

• Initiated for the good of the other person.

 (Example: God’s covenant with Noah — Genesis 6:18.)

• Built on unconditional promises (marriage vows—“I do.”)

• Grounded in steadfast love.

• Permanent commitment (not disposable).

• Makes provision for weakness and failure through faithful repair.

Summary lines:

A contract says, “I’ll stay while it works.”

A covenant says, “I’ll fight for you while we work.”

A contract keeps score. A covenant keeps showing up.

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CLOSING ILLUSTRATION: THE FIREPLACE AND THE FIRE

A fire in a fireplace is beautiful—it warms the home and draws people close.

But take that same fire out of the fireplace and put it on the living room floor,

and it becomes destructive. The problem isn’t the fire—the problem is the placement.

God designed marriage as the fireplace: a covenant boundary where intimacy is safe,

honoring, and life-giving. But even inside the fireplace, if you stop tending the fire—

no wood, no oxygen, no attention—it cools and fades.

Closing call:

We’re not here to shame anybody—we’re here to tend the fire:

to bring back closeness, to bring back conversation, to bring back mutual care.

If your marriage has gone cold, the answer isn’t pretending—it’s returning:

returning to covenant, to kindness, to communication, and to God.

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NEXT STEPS (APPLICATION)

For married couples:

• Choose ONE closeness habit (daily 10 minutes, weekly “us” time, etc.).

• Choose ONE communication habit (listen first, truth in love, repair within 24 hours).

• Pray together this week—even briefly.

For singles / widowed / divorced / engaged:

• Let God form you into a covenant-keeper: faithful, honest, gentle, and whole in Christ.

• Practice healthy communication and steadfast love in every relationship.

PRAYER FOCUS

• Renewed love, restored trust, and tender hearts.

• Protection over marriages and healing where there has been pain.

• Courage to seek help and wisdom when needed.